I am dead. And it's bothersome. This feeling has been plaguing me the past two weekends. They sometimes infect the weekdays too. Yes, whenever there's time to kill, there's also that nagging thought that there is simply nothing left for me in this world except that which was willed by the Almighty to be done.

Not even the best movies or best worldly books can erase this longing feeling to simply come home to the Father and escape the agony of living a soul so dead to the world. It is quite unbearable at times but I have no choice but to bear it.

I know what boredom is and this is not it. This is more like death on a daily dose. Nothing creepy or morbid really, it's just that I find it unbearable at times...

It's such a vague feeling of emptiness, filled only in moments of intimate communion with the Holy Spirit as during my private bible reading time or when I listen to brother Eli very intently.

I know, however, that this death on a daily scale is a consequence of my choice. I embraced it knowing there's nothing to resist at all. Life on earth is really meaningless if there's nothing beyond the grave. That's the essence of Ecclesiastes. And a Christian's hope lies not in this world but the next. All who live by faith knows this; our life on earth is just a journey. But if you enjoy the scenery now, imagine what beauty you will see when we get to our destiny. If we get there, that is.

In the mean time, here lies death.

Looking at it from a spiritual point of view, however, I can say I'm happy happy to be dead for I know of no other way to be alive in Christ. And I can't afford to be not dead for it is no longer I who lives in me but Christ.

"To die is gain; to live is Christ," so the bible says.

Having understood it more clearly now, I am less melancholic knowing that this too was made for a Christian to bear.